Welcome to the story.
We are trying to get to the Cave of Wonders.
That's it. No side-tracks.
For a start, what's your name?
[[Type a name]]Oh, you thought you were allowed to choose it, didn't you? Well I'm the narrator and I'm going to call you...Princess.
[[Okay, I guess you know best.]]
[[Yes, I like that. I'm a Princess!!]]
[[No, I don't like that name]]Damn right I do. But be honest, you like it, right?
I knew you'd like it. I made it up just for you, my Princess.
Anyway, let's get on with the story.
You're walking in the forest. To the right is a large, beautiful clearing, and to the left is...uh...more forest. Okay, I think we should go to the clearing.
[[Go to the clearing]]
[[Turn left]]Oh, I'm <em>so terribly</em> sorry. How about you select a name?
[[Select a new name]]You really thought you could pick your own name? No, you can't be trusted with that responsibility. Luckily, I've found the perfect name for you.
I've decided to call you...
CHICKENSHIT.
Now, Chickenshit, let's get started.
[[I don't like that name]]
[[Okay]]Too bad. It's your name now. Chickenshit, Chickenshit, la la la la...
Anyway, shall we get on with it?
[[Yes, let's continue]]Good. Knew you'd come around to it, Chickenshit. Shall we continue?
[[Yes, let's continue]] You're walking in the forest. To the right is a large, beautiful clearing, and to the left is...uh...more forest. Okay, I think we should go to the clearing.
[[Go to the clearing.]]
[[Turn left.]]You head into the clearing, feeling startled as the bright sunlight, no longer hidden by the trees, assails you. You look around, at the bright green grass and the distant sounds of birds. It's peaceful here.
Out of the woods, a goblin begins walking toward you, followed by another, and another. They approach you, looking ravenous.
"A Princess." The largest goblin says with glee. "The perfect main course to follow that little girl we ate. What was her name, again?"
"Lottie." One of the goblins replies.
You stare them down, mustering your courage.
[[You won't eat me!]]Seriously, Princess? What could possibly be in this forest to interest you? The whole point of the clearing suddenly appearing is so you can get to the Cave! Come on!
[[Go to the clearing]]
[[Keep walking in the forest]]You head into the clearing, feeling startled as the bright sunlight, no longer hidden by the trees, assails you. You look around, at the bright green grass and the distant sounds of birds. It's peaceful here.
Out of the woods, a goblin begins walking toward you, followed by another, and another. They approach you, looking ravenous.
"Wait," The biggest goblin pauses. "Who's this Chickenshit? Weren't we supposed to be getting a Princess? Hey, narrator, we're talking to you!"
Hey, goblins, no need to be rude.
The biggest goblin's voice takes on a distinctive whine. "You <em>promised</em> us a <em>Princess</em>!"
Gah...you...stupid fucking Chickenshit! You've ruined everything!
"We had a deal!"
[[Speak to the goblins.]]Stupid Chickenshit. What could possibly be in this forest to interest you? The whole point of the clearing suddenly appearing is so you can get to the Cave! Come on!
[[Go to the clearing.]]
[[Keep walking in the forest.]]Ohhhh no you don't, Princess.
[[Go to the clearing]]
[[I thought I heard something...]]Chickenshit, I can't trust you to do anything! Let me guess, now you're going to tell me you hear something in the forest?
[[Actually, I do hear something...]]
It's probably nothing. Just go to the clearing, okay? Trust me, Chickenshit.
[[Go to the clearing.]] "Help! Please help!" You hear a voice crying out in the forest.
Princess, trust me. It's a trap. Can we please get to the clearing?
[[Go to the clearing]]
[[Go toward the voice]]Oh, you foolish, foolish Princess.
Okay, you <em>really</em> want to know?
You see a young woman sobbing hysterically, alone in the forest.
"Oh, thank goodness!" She says. "Please, could you help me?"
Well, actually you can't...you know, the journey? The quest?
[[Sorry, I can't help you. I'm trying to get to the Cave of Wonders.]]
[[What's the Problem, madam?]]Ok, fine. You hear a voice crying out, "Help! Somebody please help me!"
[[Go toward the voice.]]
[[Go to the clearing.]] Okay, fine, Chickenshit. You really wanna know? You really wanna see? Fine. Fine.
You see a young woman sobbing hysterically, alone in the forest.
"Oh, thank goodness!" She says. "Please, could you help me?"
Well, actually you can't...you know, the journey? The quest?
[[Sorry, I can't help you. I'm trying to get to the Cave of Wonders!]]
[[What's the Problem?]]She looks at you with digust. "Well, what else should I expect from a worthless <em>Chickenshit</em>."
That's right. You are worthless! Ha!
[[Go to the clearing.]]
[[Stick up for yourself.]]"Please," She manages to squeak out in between sobs. "It's my sister, Lottie. She was playing in the forest with me, in the clearing, and these goblins--"
Okay, so this woman is obviously crazy. Just run the hell away and get to the clearing, capiche?
[[Wait...she doesn't seem all that crazy...]]
Oh, what would you know, you stupid Chickenshit? Just go back to the clearing like I told you, idiot.
[[Go to the clearing.]] "But you're a <em>Princess</em>!" She exclaims. "Please, please, please Princess! I'm begging you!"
Pathetic. Tell her she's pathetic. Do it.
[[You're pathetic.]]
[[I don't want to do that.]]
"Please," She manages to squeak out in between sobs. "It's my sister, Lottie. She was playing in the forest with me, in the clearing, and these goblins--"
Okay, so this woman is obviously crazy. Just run the hell away and get to the clearing, capiche?
[[Go to the clearing]]
[[Wait, I want to hear what she has to say...]]No offense, Princess, but you don't know anything.
Listen to me. You have to listen to me. Don't you know I'm the only one trying to help you? I'm the narrator for goodness sake! I control this story! I'm the one in charge. You need me. You'd be lost in this story without me.
Now, you can go back to the clearing like a good little Princess, or you can get fooled and probably killed by this other crazy lady. Your choice...<em>Princess</em>
[[Go to the clearing]]
[[Keep listening to her story]]Well what do you know, Chickenshit?
Listen to me. You have to listen to me. Don't you know I'm the only one trying to help you? I'm the narrator for goodness sake! I control this story! I'm the one in charge. You need me. You'd be lost in this story without me.
Now, you can go back to the clearing like a good little Chickenshit, or you can get fooled and probably killed by this other crazy lady. Your choice...<em>Chickenshit</em>
[[Go to the clearing.]]
[[Keep listening to her story.]]"The goblins took my sister." She explains, beginning to calm down. Because you're a worthless Chickenshit, you don't have any tissues to offer her.
She blows her nose on her sleeve. "We were playing in the clearing and all of a sudden these goblins came in and grabbed her! Please, help me, I don't know what they're going to do to her!"
[[Ask her what you can do.]]
[[Sorry, I can't help you. I'm trying to get to the Cave of Wonders!]] "The goblins took my sister." She explains, beginning to calm down. Because you're a Princess, you offer her a tissue.
She blows her nose. "Thank you. We were playing in the clearing and all of a sudden these goblins came in and grabbed her! Please, help me, I don't know what they're going to do to her!"
[[Ask her what you can do]]
[[Sorry, I can't help you. I'm trying to get to the Cave of Wonders.]] "You're a Princess." She says. "Can't you like, negotiate with them? Make them give me my sister back?"
Whew, somebody's got to tell her that her sister is probably already dead.
[[Um, I hate to be the one to tell you this...]]
[[Maybe they didn't kill Lottie?]]"Well," She says. "I bet if you go to the goblins and offer yourself as a sacrifice, maybe they'll let my sister go!"
You stare at her. <em>What the hell?</em>
I'd just like to point out that if you went to the clearing, nobody would be asking you to sacrifice yourself. Just saying.
[[Sorry, I can't help you. I'm trying to get to the Cave of Wonders!]]
[[Um, would they even take me?]]Oh, you think you're a Princess? You think you're special. No, you're not. I was just being nice. In reality, you're a chickenshit.
HA! That's what I'll call you! You are Chickenshit!
[[I don't like that name]] She looks at you with horror. "I-I..."
[[I hate you for making me do this.]]
[[Let me stop this game.]]Too bad. Do it. Tell her.
[[You're pathetic.]]<b>SORRY, YOUR SELF-ESTEEM LEVELS ARE CURRENTLY TOO LOW. PLEASE SPEAK WITH YOUR NARRATOR.</b>
[[Speak to my narrator.]]What do you want, Chickenshit?
[[Nothing, I'm sorry for bothering you. I'll go back to the clearing.]]
[[You're not letting me do what I want!]]Of course you will.
[[Go to the clearing.]] What do you want to do?
Do you want to be the hero?
Do you want to shoot at things or build a fake family or solve puzzles? There are plenty of games for you. Nothing is forcing you to be here. Write your own fucking game, Chickenshit.
[[Exit]]Let me tell you something, Princess, you made me do all of this.
If you had just gone to the clearing like I asked, none of this would have happened.
I haven't <em>made</em> you do <em><b><u>ANYTHING</em></b></u>.
Get that through your tiny little head.
Now go to the clearing.
[[Go to the clearing]] What's stopping you, exactly? Leave!
Oh, you're curious. You want to know what happens next, right?
Here's what happens. I do whatever the hell I want because I'm the narrator. And you will do what I tell you to.
[[Okay, I'll do what you want, Narrator.]]
[[No, I wont!]]I want you to go to the clearing.
[[Go to the clearing]] Yes, you will.
[[Click here]]Hahahaha!
See?
I told you!!!
Now be a good little Princess, and go to the clearing before I make you.
[[Go to the clearing]] Did you seriously think leaving would be that easy?
God, you're pathetic.
[[Exit]]Ooh, here's the thing, Princess. I have a little debt with the goblins and, well, I promised them they could eat you.
Sorry! That was admittedly not nice of me. But I bet I can convice them to just cut off your leg and eat that. What do you say?
[[What the fuck? No!]]
[[I mean, it's just a leg, right?]]That's the spirit.
The goblins surround you. I suppose you won't mind, since you're okay with them eating one of your legs, that I told them they can eat your whole body. While you're alive.
But I bet you won't mind.
You know what I think?
I think you're enjoying this.
Not being eaten.
But being the victim.
Oh, poor little Princess.
I don't know what you're looking for.
Love?
Attention?
People feeling sorry for you?
Pathetic.
You're pathetic.
I can't look at you anymore. I love you and I can't stand you anymore. Just go away.
[[Exit]] Now listen here, little Princess. Give them your leg. It's my leg. I wrote this story and you are mine. Mine. If you loved me, you would give them your leg. Give it to them.
[[No!!!]]
[[Wait, wasn't there supposed to be a cave?]] Too bad. If you don't want to give up your leg, I guess we'll just...let them eat you.
[[Give in.]]
[[Run away!!]]I thought so.
The goblins approach, hungry. They tie you down and cut off your leg as you watch, helpless. You watch them feast on your leg.
Aren't you so happy you did this for me? I can only know you love me through sacrifice.
The goblins want dessert. Let's give it to them. Give them your other leg.
[[I love you, but no way.]]Run away? What for? You can leave this game whenever the hell you want, you know!
[[Exit]] Selfish bitch.
Give it to them.
If you loved me, you'd give it to them.
Do you love me?
[[Yes.]]
[[No, and I'm leaving.]]Then give it to the goblins.
Give it to them.
<b>GIVE IT TO THEM.</b>
If you loved me, you'd do it. You'd give them everything I told you to. You're mine. Wholly, wholly mine.
Like I said, sacrifice.
[[Let the goblins eat me.]]
[[Run away!!]] Then leave.
[[Exit]]As you die, bit by bit, I want you to know that nobody will ever love you like I do, Princess.
Do you want to know something?
I think you're enjoying this.
Not being eaten.
But being the victim.
Oh, poor little Princess.
I don't know what you're looking for.
Love?
Attention?
People feeling sorry for you?
Pathetic.
You're pathetic.
I can't look at you anymore. I love you and I can't stand you anymore. Just go away.
[[Exit]] "Well," You say to the goblins. "Looks like this narrator screwed you over real good, huh?"
The goblins nod eagerly.
"Not to mention, the narrator really seems to be stereotyping goblins as a species. I mean, do you guys actually eat people?" You ask the goblins.
"No, not really." One of them responds. "It's mostly just a scare tactic, honestly. We kidnap kids, but we're not <em>monsters</em>."
You smile. "Of course not. But why the scare tactic?"
The goblins explain to you their history of oppression, and you all have a nuanced discussion of effective and ethical means of resistance.
[[Wait, who's story is this?]]
[[Offer to help the goblins.]]Can we get back on track, please?
[[Vive la révolution!]]
[[On track where? I'm honestly confused as to what's happening.]]And so you spend the rest of your days helping the Goblins achieve human (so to speal) rights. Mazel tov.
Chickenshit. That's all you'll ever be.
You just want people to appreciate you, right? You want the goblins to be thankful. You want them to write posts on Facebook about how <em>great</em> you are and how they are just so <em>lucky</em> to have you. <em>Chickenshit is amazing, we love them, they are so helpful and wonderful and kind! Hooray for Chickenshit!</em>
You want to go on talkshows and talk about all of the good things you did in your life.
That's nice.
But can I tell you something, Chickenshit? Can I let you in on a little secret?
You actually have to do good deeds for that to happen.
[[Exit]] Ugh, fine. Whatever. Go help the Goblins...you Chickenshit. Think they want you? They're just biding their time to eat you, Chickenshit. That's all you're good for, anyway.
[[Offer to help the goblins.]]
[[Wait, wasn't there supposed to be a cave?]] Yeah...me too, honestly.
Let's just say, you win. This is it. The end. Congrats.
[[Exit]]
[[Wait, wasn't there supposed to be a cave?]]<b>HA!</b>
You actually fell for that bullshit? You're even stupider than I thought!
Of course there wasn't a cave, idiot! It was so the goblins could eat you and I would settle my debt and so on...
You know what, you're too stupid for the goblins to want to eat you, anyway. So just leave. I can't even look at you anymore.
[[Exit]] You kneel on the forest floor and come closer to her. "I'm so sorry to tell you this, but I think the goblins may have killed your sister already."
She looks at you horrified, and begins to wail uncontrollably. "Oh, I hate those awful, ugly goblins! I wish they'd all burn in hell!"
[[Tell her not all goblins are like that]]
[[Tell her you need to go to the clearing]]
[[Ask if she wants revenge]]Don't try and sugarcoat it for her, Princess. You have to tell her the truth. Tell her they killed Lottie. Tell her!
[[Um, I hate to be the one to tell you this...]] "Hey, I mean, not all goblins!" You say.
She seems puzzled. "Okay, but like, you said it yourself. The goblins killed my sister."
"Yeah, sure, <em>some</em> goblins killed your sister, but does that mean every goblin is a bloodthirsty monster?"
"Uh...yes?"
"No, some of them are probably super nice and would never hurt anyone!"
"Cool. Does that help me at all?"
[[Realize something important in the real world that has nothing to do with the game]]
[[Get angry and call her a brainwashed SJW]]You look at her sadly, and say"[[Sorry, I can't help you. I'm trying to get to the Cave of Wonders.]]"
"But can't you just...help me avenge my sister?"
[[Help her plan vengance against the goblins]] A grin slowly forms over her face. "Yes...yes I do."
[[Help her plan vengance against the goblins]]Well, now that you've learned this nice little lesson, I would just like to request that you <b>DO WHAT I HAVE REPEATEDLY ASKED YOU TO DO. GO TO THE FUCKING CLEARING!!!</b>
[[Go to the clearing]]
[[No thanks]]Agreed.<em><u>#notallgoblins</em></u>, right?
Anyway, I believe we had somewhere to be, didn't we?
[[Go to the clearing]] No thanks? No thanks?
No, no no nooooo
You don't get to say no.
If I say go to the clearing, guess where you're going, little princess?
[[Go to the clearing]]
[[Run away!!]] "Of course!" She says brightly. "Just follow me."
You follow her with some confusion, and realize she's taking you to the clearing.
Well, look at that.
[[Follow her.]]
[[Run away!!]] You follow her as she leads you to the clearing. You feel startled as the bright sunlight, no longer hidden by the trees, assails you. You look around, at the bright green grass and the distant sounds of birds. It's peaceful here.
Out of the woods, a goblin begins walking toward you, followed by another, and another. They approach you, looking ravenous.
"What's this?" The biggest goblin asks.
"I was hoping we could trade," The young woman says. "This Chickenshit for my sister Lottie?"
The goblin scratches his chin, and considers the proposition. "Or, we could just eat you two instead!"
[[Run away!!]]
[[Well, may as well get eaten. Wasn't this where the story was going anyway?]]Okay, either you've played this before, you're cheating, or you're very good at prediction.
In any case...
The young woman screams and fights and resists, shocked as you allow the goblins to eat you alive.
"What does it matter?" You ask her. (Ah, that's the spirit!)
You wanted to get eaten, didn't you? Everyone feels sorry for the victim, not the would-be victim/escapee. It would have been better if that woman got her sister back and you got to be a martyr, but oh well! C'est la vie, right?
[[Exit]] And so you help this young woman plan an elaborate revenge plot that will probably be made into a movie starring a b-level star and 64% on RottenTomatoes.
But hey, you did a good deed, right?
No.
That doesn't make you feel better.
Because it's not what you want, is it...Princess?
You want to be loved.
You want to be famous.
If you help some people along the way, great. If not, who cares?
You are so pathetic.
[[Exit]] This story may be intense. It is a semi-realistic depiction of anxiety and depression. This game uses strong language and violent imagery.
This game is free, but the author strongly encourages donations of pineapple pizza to your local friend with mental illness, or to these charities:
<a href="https://www.gifttool.com/donations/Donate?ID=1417&AID=4934">Planned Parenthood Toronto</a>
<a href="http://sherbourne.on.ca/get-involved/donate/">Sherbourne Health Centre</a>
To play, click on the beginning of the story.
[[The Beginning of the Story]]